I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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