I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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