wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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