Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
