I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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