theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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