i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
