you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
im on a boat
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