i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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