At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
