her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he thought i was a dude.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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