Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
