Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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