Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
