Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
