dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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