She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
