omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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