All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
