you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
