New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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