i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
