So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
