lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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