Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
