someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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