Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
