He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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