If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need water and some morals
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