Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
