why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize