Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
