he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
