the condom got lost in my hair
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
