I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
