There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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