Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
