3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
