I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize