girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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