is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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