i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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