one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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