if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
