happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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