I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
