Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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