I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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