I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
