god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
