woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
