I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
