I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
