Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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