11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
