I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
