Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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