The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
