I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
