Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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